i am wowed yet again by my own daughter! she just turned 4 three weeks ago. i made her an appointment with an opthamologist to see if she needs glasses already, because when she reads, writes or colors she's always putting her face very close to the paper ... also skootching too close to the TV, bumping into the corners of walls, that sort of thing. i was in glasses by the time i was 3, so i figured it was time for her to get a baseline checkup.

1) she has no depth perception whatsoever, just like her mama.   i remember how my mom taught me to overcome seeing everything flat, though. at least it explains all the bumps and bangs!

2) she's quite farsighted. just like mama. *sighs* however, things are way different from when i was a kid! she'll only need bifocal reading glasses, for when she's reading or writing close-up. the rest of the lens is clear, so she can look up and see "distance" things like flashcards, a chalkboard, a sign on the wall, and so on.

3) she was the youngest person EVER in their office to take the adult exam! she didn't need to use the animal pictures test or the "which way does the E point?" test, because she can read i am SO proud of her!!

we went to the library as a treat, so she could get her own library card. she picked the one with a cat wearing glasses. she even signed her own name on the back! again, i am SO proud of her!

her progress since her dad is no longer in her life has moved by leaps and bounds, it's so amazing. i hadn't realized what a harmful influence he was having on her every-day life, until he was out of her life. whew.

tonight she and a friend played "scavenger hunt" all around the house. the first two rounds i made for them; the third round, her friend wrote down. my babe tends to play with older kids, she doesn't get along with other kids her age. they're playing Cranium Hullabaloo now. i love hearing all their laughter.

... which is pretty difficult when the "b" key on your keyboard is broken! ( i copy a "b" and then paste it, makes for interesting typing!)

new news: my long-time boyfriend is gone. he's broken up with me quite a few times - he has commitment issues - but he's always apologized within a day or two, and re-committed himself more deeply to me and my daughter. i was completely stunned by this break-up! my daughter has lost her dad and has been going through a really rough time, and he'd promised to be there for both of us. then he bailed after 4 weeks.

i'm stunned because he made so many promises of "forever" and "always" and "growing olderly together" ... we made so many plans for both the immediate and distant future! yet now he says "it's never really been good, ever" ... sounds to me like a bad case of tunnel vision straight from the mouth of a recovered alcoholic who is currently addicted to prescription pain-killers (for his herniated disks). so who knows what will happen in the end.

i attend online Al-Anon, since there's no face-to-face meetings where i live. they're tremendously helpful and always full of advice, but i get a little tired of the buzzwords and all of the cliche sayings like "it works if you work it" which some people use instead of active listening and real advice or support or encouragement. there are quite a few diamonds among the coal, though, so i may ask one of them to be my sponsor soon.

how am i? i'm FINE, of course! (F**ked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional!)

seriously. i feel lonely, sad, depressed, mournful, grieving, shocked, angry, sometimes just numb. the nights are the worst, when the babe is asleep and i'm faced with only myself. i blame myself for it all during those times. it doesn't help that my daughter also blames me ... she's too young and too innocent to understand no matter how i explain to her that it's no one's fault, all she knows is that she's lost another daddy and she acts out against me.

this just SUCKS. i've never been in a break-up before where the other person just stopped loving me. i've always had amicable break-ups where we remain close friends for a while, then move on naturally. i was even friends with my ex, the babe's bio-dad, until i found out what he had been doing to her (long story, legal issues, perhaps for a much later post).

my imagecave.com expired without notice! so i can't even go in there and get all the pics i'd uploaded, to start a new account. and i don't have most of those pics on this computer, they were on the hard drive my ex got. SIGH.

good news quickie for now: i have sole custody of the babe, he has supervised visitation only, he owes me 8 months back child support (if he pays it, will help us get our own place going, if he doesn't pay it, oh well i'll still be doing the same), and i just entered a program that'll help me get a new or almost-new car with a low payment because i have no credit (but no bad credit). whew!

bad news quickie: the shoulder he tore when he assaulted me last fall, i tore it again when he got evicted and i had to move what i could in a hurry, i have "frozen shoulder" and might need surgery. bleah.

but overall, life is good! seriously.